You may notice I haven't written much lately. Often when I get the sitemeter report in my email I see X number of readers per week or day or whathaveyou and I wonder what on earth they are coming here for. And I wonder how long they will keep checking before they give up on me entirely. If you are still reading this thing, I admire your tenacity and commitment.
I'd like to be able to say that I've been really busy with all kinds of fun and exciting things. And actually, this week that might actually be true. But by in large it is no excuse - because the truth is I have had the time to blog. I just...haven't.
It's not really writer's block. It's just another funk. I'm a little different in that I have a slightly "off" personality. What I mean by that is I read a book a few years ago called The Heart of the Artist which carefully explained the difference between creative artist type temperaments and everyone else. It's a little unnerving when a book describes you perfectly. I only mention all this because it is the only thing that gives me comfort - to know there are other people like me who go through ups and downs all the time. I suppose maybe everyone does that in their own way, too.
So yeah, I've been a little down lately. Not sad. Just not peppy. A friend of mine was asking me the other day how I liked staying home fulltime. There was a big pause before I answered. I honestly didn't know how to answer. I know I should be able to say that I LOVE staying home and that is wonderful and exciting and sweet and a treasure. And it sort of is. But I just don't FEEL wonderful and excitement and sweetness. I do appreciate it. Lately the rigors and mundaneness of everyday at home with two small children weigh on me a little too heavily.
As with all things, I believe that this too shall pass and I will return once again to feeling like a person who does actually contribute to the world in some meaningful way. I can actually feel it beginnnig to ease a bit these past few days. I'm reminded of a movie I watched recently - Remember Me - how we are to LIVE everyday and not waste our time. I highly recommend the movie, but be warned it is real and gritty and not G-rated. Also, it may haunt you as it has me.
So today I am doing my best to give my best to my family. That is not always an easy task. Sometimes staying home dulls you and numbs you to the happiness of being with your kids. You don't treasure the time because you have so much of it. And yes, someday I will think I am CRAZY for ever thinking I had too much time with them. I know it. But it's harder to live it.
For today, my goal is to really live. Sounds simple...
xx
2 comments:
Wow, Jean. I can so relate to those feelings about staying home. This time of year my hubby is gone a lot, after having him home all summer, and its a big adjustment to long days with 2 little ones. I love it, but sometimes its wearing. I'm glad other mommas feel that way sometimes and that its ok! :) Thanks for being real!
Amber
Jean - I remember the days of being at home all day with the kids and not feel like I was "contributing" to anything meaningful. But trust me, the job you are doing right now is the most difficult job in the world, with the biggest rewards. You are an awesome child of God, a beautiful woman of Faith, a mom that words don't begin to describe and a faithful wife to Brian. Thank you for your honesty, I always enjoy reading your blogs.
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