Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Separation Anxiety

We have various people on vacation at our office, so I agreed to move around some of my working days in order to be here on days when I was more needed. Basically, it ended up that I work full time this week. And it isn’t like I think, “Oh no! That will be so hard! I love sleeping in on Tuesdays and Thursdays!” Because this mother of this particular 2 year old does not have the opportunity to linger in her pajamas past the hour of 7:00. Its very normal for us to have the same morning routine whether or not I am working. It isn’t like I’m suffering from having to get up and get moving.

When I initially signed up for this week, I really thought that given our routine, it would be not that big a deal. And honestly, in all practical aspects, its not a big deal. I worried more, much much more, about how Reagan would handle it and gave almost no thought at all to how it would affect me.

But this morning was so so hard on me emotionally that I am still having trouble processing it.

This morning, Brian and I drove together - which means we were both there when we dropped Reagan off. He agreed to take her in so I wouldn’t have to risk life, limb and baby on a slippery snowy driveway. I turned in my carseat as he unfastened Reagan’s seatbelt and said “Bye bye, Reagan! Have a fun day!” as cheerfully as possible. Her sweet little face peered back at me from beneath her fluffy white stocking hat and she said, “Bye bye, Mommy!” Brian quickly scooped her up and scurried toward the door. But just before my little girl in her puffy brown coat and fluffy white stocking hat disappeared behind the door, she looked directly at me and waved her little white mitten. I smiled and waved back and a huge smile overtook her face as she disappeared from view.

When Brian got back in the car I was nearly in tears. I miss my little girl. I miss watching her run around and laugh. I miss working on a puzzle with her and watching her try to fit the pieces together. I miss seeing her play with her “babies”, listening to her teaching them how to pray and fold their hands, watching her give them a bottle. I miss everything little thing about her and our time at home horribly. Not because I can get more chores done or meals better prepared or stick to her preferred schedule, but because time with Reagan brings me a great deal of joy.

And this is day two of five.

I could blame it all on the pregnancy hormones I suppose. That wouldn’t be altogether inaccurate. But the image of her little face, her happy smile, her tiny mitten waving at me have not left me all day. I suspect they won’t. And no matter how busy I am with my work, those pictures will be flashing through my mind, urging me to work hard and fast so that 5:00 somehow gets here quicker.

And really, the only reason I’m able to even sit here is to know that this week - this full time week - is a trade off for nearly whole week at home with her at the end of the month. I just cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to that. And I’m praying that the rest of this week is not so hard.

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