Thursday, January 15, 2009

Spread too thin

Could I work everyday if need be? Yes. Would I enjoy that? No. Friggin. Way.

The week has gone reasonably well so far. But I miss Reagan even when I'm home with her.

Every morning, I have to wake her up. This involves rubbing her back, running my fingers through her hair, and then watching her stretch like a cat. While I enjoy it, I also know she'd be happier if she could just wake up on her own. When I have to wake her up, it tells me she isn't getting quite enough rest. Phooey.

Breakfast has been an adventure. Yesterday, she ate so slowly that we finally had to actually take food away from her so we could get her dressed and get out the door in time. As you can imagine, she was upset. It was VERY hard on me to do that to her. I really think she get enough to eat, but I could tell she was stalling because she was worn out and she didn't want to GO anywhere.

So then I sit here at work and wonder how she's doing. I wonder if she's tired. I wonder if she's playing nicely with the other kids. I wonter if she's eating her lunch well. I wonder if she even makes it to naptime or if she falls asleep on the couch. I wonder and I wonder and I wonder.

When 5:00 hits, I am nearly running to the car to meet Hubby (we drove together this week) because I am so excited to see her. Most days she greets me with a "Mommy!" as soon as she gets in the car.

But what gets me is this - you think all day about how you will just play with your little one when you get home and spend time with them then. But supper isn't over till about 6:30. Reagan's bedtime is 7:30. One hour of playtime, snuggle time, reading books, and coloring is NOT very much.

She's also been struggling to get to sleep. Basically, she freaks out every time we walk out of her room. Some nights it takes over an hour for her to settle down. Clearly, this is not a good time to be sleep training! We have good intentions of starting that back up again later. For now, she needs a little extra help so we sit in the chair while she sits in her crib and we wait.

I am very thankful that this is not a permanent situation. I don't feel like I am being a good mom. I don't feel like I am being a good wife. I don't feel like I am being a good homemaker. I don't feel like I am being a good child of God.

Could it be worse? Oh of course it could. Whoever thought the phrase "Well, it could always be worse" just never considered how very unhelpful and unconstructive that phrase is. Life could always be worse. I'm sure its supposed to help me "look on the bright side". I still find it cold and snobby.

I'm thankful for a couple of friends who have really helped me understand recently that we need to actually encourage one another. And sometimes that comes in the form of saying, "Wow, you had a long week! I bet you are glad that is over!"

We are holding up. It isn't like I can't do it. But I'm not loving it.


Laura K. said...

jean! that's exactly how I feel on those rare occasions that I work a full-time week, too. I know Bennett enjoys going places, being with other kids, but it gets harder now as he's more aware of my actually leaving him. Also, the morning routine is so tough.
I'm glad for you it is just one more day. you can do this! And Reagan won't even remember. ;) Bless you for all the love you give to her. That's all she needs, even if it's one hour a day some weeks!

Anonymous said...

I here ya Jean. I work this weekend and all next week. I hate getting home, packing her bag again and it's off to yet another person's house the next morning. I don't know how full-time working moms do it!