I have an acquaintance who had a baby girl not long after Reagan was born. But her baby girl was soon diagnosed with a medical condition which has drastically changed the course of their lives. She also keeps a blog and every day I read about struggles or triumphs - whatever that day might hold. Partly I read it to keep in mind what I can pray about. The other part of me knows that this is a great reminder to me that God has blessed me beyond my wildest comprehension with a very healthy, very spunky, little girl.
If you had asked me what kind of mom I thought I would be before we had Reagan, I would have probably rattled off some stuff about going for walks, reading her books, singing lullabies to her, etc. I tried pretty hard to be realistic about parenthood. I knew it would not be all lovely and sweet and endearing all the time. And then Reagan entered our world and honestly, we don't remember what happened after that. Hubby and I were commenting that those first 4 months have somehow sort of left us and all we know are some basic facts: she had colic, we slept in shifts, we all survived. Sure, there are little memories here and there. But I have a hard time picturing Reagan's baby face without first looking at some pictures. I have a tendency to think, "Oh, she's not that big". But then when I see a picture of her in her carseat when we brought her home from the hospital I stop and stare. Was she REALLY that small? Doesn't seem possible. In short, these past 10.5 months haven't been anything like what I thought in PBT (pre-baby time).
Don't get me wrong. We got on walks - every day. We read books, but Reagan's patience tends to wear out once we get passed the cover. We sing songs, but more to calm her down than anything. Truly, I thought I would get out more. And what's worse - there's nothing stopping me but myself. Too often it seems the easier thing to do is just to stay home and let Reagan have her naps and snacks and play time. I so frequently think I am being unfair to her if I take her "out" or if we "go somewhere". And so I stay home more often than I should. Me, the one with the child who is perfectly healthy and rambunctious.
I know we are blessed, though I doubt I realize just how much, to have a healthy child. We are very thankful. Still, part of me feels like I am failing and succeeding all at the same time. Reagan would benefit from more outtings, just like she would benefit from more time at home. Its all very confusing. So until I get all this figured out (and become a best-selling author / motivational speaker), I will just have to settle with doing my best for her. My best is not the greatest - but it is what she needs. Hopefully I can just fill in all the little gaps with love.