When I got pregnant with Reagan, I was really focused on preparing myself to become a mother. Its one of those experiences that really makes you examine yourself. I cringed every time I said a bad word. I winced every time I did something really noisy. I gave myself a pat on the back every time I exhibited any measurable amount of patience.
More than that, I would sit in "the baby’s room" and read my Bible. I would pray. I prayed for the baby. I prayed for my Hubby. I prayed for people I knew. I prayed for myself.
And then things started to get to be difficult. I had lots of trouble sleeping. I was fairly uncomfortable in the evenings at home. I was exhausted after work. I was exhausted at work. I resorted to the get-through-the-day mode of operation. It was all I could do to keep going. Small goals were set and sometimes accomplished. Just make it to the top of the stairs. Just two more bites and you can stop eating. Just make it one more day. It was down to the bare necessities.
Somehow my bare necessities did not include devotions. I would still utter prayers - especially when I didn’t feel good. I frequently prayed that the baby would be healthy. But my Bible reading sort of seeped away into nothing.
Don’t get me wrong - I never lost my love for God. I just developed this blind faith. God is there. He loves me. I love him. He’ll take care of us. Blah. Its not blah but that is what it felt like. It started to not really mean that much. I went through motions - none of which included opening my Bible.
For months after Reagan was born, I knew I had a problem. I felt guilty every time I saw my Bible on the ground, but felt too tired (inside and out) to pick it up. Its sort of like being in this spiritual coma. You can see and hear and know the truth all around you, but you are just struggling so much to wake up.
When did grace become un-amazing to me? How did I expect to get through my life and my day feeling hope filled, when I refused to read the words? My pastor said once in a sermon "these words are LIFE!" So why did I expect to have one without them?
Recently, I have begun devotions again. And I am starting to feel my life get back on track. My prayer life is improving and I am learning how to be a better child of God.
I simply have a fall-down-on-my-knees kind of respect for the people in this world that live like their faith is alive. Its more than doing devotions. Its more than being in a Bible study. Its more than praying. Its more than going to church twice on Sunday. When they talk to you, you see it. Their stories are filled with words about God’s providence and care and faithfulness. Sometimes when they sing a song at church or in their car along with the radio, they cry. Their voices crack when they read a piece of scripture that touches them. Its their heart. They teach me that Reagan will never understand faith if I don’t tell her how powerful it can be and how essential it has been to my life.
Its not a very CRC way to behave I suppose. Our denomination doesn’t have a history of encouraging a lot of emotion. But emotion is a beautiful thing. I tend to give mine away to too many other areas - basketball games, work conflicts, disagreements in the church, family. I’m embarrassed to give it to God. But I’m working on it.
So as I continue to re-examine my heart, I just want to encourage you to make your faith MEAN something to you. And if you haven’t picked up your Bible recently, join me in blowing off the dust and getting some LIFE back in yours.
This might be a lot more personal than my typical blogging material, and parts of me hesitated to post it, but in truth, I know I should. You just might ask me about it and give me a much needed kick in the pants.
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