This is the stuff nightmares are made out of

Brian and I went camping last summer. We are more 5-star-hotel than we are tent-and-sleeping-bags kind of people. Sitting around the campfire roasting marshmallows was enjoyable. Using the portapotties was not. Relaxing in our lawn chairs was pleasant. Sleeping without any mattress was not. The food is a little different. Anything you can't put on a skewer and hold about the fire will be eaten cold. I personally found it an outrageous amount of work. A vacation to me does not include packing food which you will have to cook, packing bedding, packing clothes, packing bathing necessities, etc. I would rather take along some clothes I might need and some items to entertain myself and watch the hotel staff clean my bathroom, make my bed and bring me room service. Now THAT'S a vacation! But I was willing to overlook all of this. Until...

We had slumbered away in a borrowed tent. I was firmly plastered against Brian - not because of any romantic reasons - I was FREEZING. No matter - it would get warmer. It was no later than 5:30 a.m. and it was getting bright outside. No matter - I'll take a nap when we get home. The ground was hard. No matter - I would take a nice warm shower at home and ease all the aches and pains. I enjoyed the sounds of the birds and the breeze. It was quiet. Peaceful.

Finally it is too bright to sleep any longer. Carefully peeling open my eyes I saw it. Is that a piece of grass? No, too big. Is that a twig? No, it moves. IT MOVES!!!!! Yes. There he was. The largest spider I had ever seen in my life was no less than 4 inches from my face. His many eyes were staring into my two wide and horrified eyes. I sat up quickly. What to do?! I hate smashing things. It makes a mess. But he MUST die. But how. How do I kill him? I only have a pillow. He isn't getting any closer to my pillow than he already is. This is when I decided to wake the husband. Husbands are good for many things. One of the best is that they kill critters. I whisper - I'm too scared to scream. Brian. No response. A little louder. Brian. Nothing. Shaking him, whispering frantically into his ear. Brian, its a spiiiiiiiiiider.

Please keep in mind that my husband does not have the best eyesight in the world. He wears contacts all day, everyday to keep from walking into walls. He runs into the bed every night because he has taken out his contacts. Waking the man who cannot see anything but blobs and blurry things in order that he may kill the small moving target terrorizing his wife is probably not on my list of top 10 brightest moments. But I did it anyway.

His first reaction was "he'll go away". Ummm, excuse me? Unless you want me to sleep in the CAR, you will MAKE him go away immediately. After much prodding and begging and after he heard the terror in my voice, in one swift motion he grabbed one of his enormous shoes and smashed the sucker with vengeance I thought only I possessed against these 8 legged creatures. It crumpled. Gloriously. He then picked it up (yes, with his fingers) and threw it out of the tent.

My hero!!

This is why I will never go camping again. Never.

I have more spider horror stories. I'll share them with you when my goosebumps go away.