A good scrubbing

I ran up the stairs and hurriedly threw my bucket in the sink. Just having fed Madison and put her down for a nap, I stopped for a minute to listen for any noise coming from Reagan’s room. Nothing. Blissfully quiet. I ran back to the bucket filling in the sink. I can only mop with hot hot water and my hand tingled as I plunged it into the soapy foam and grabbed the old dish towel which now serves as my wash rag.

My thoughts were overwhelming me and a nap, though tempting, would not offer the same cathartic release as scrubbing floors.

This morning my curling iron broke. I think this is at least the 3rd one I have bought – all the same make and model. Each only lasting a few years. I expect more from my hair appliances. I'm mad.

Scrub scrub scrub

This morning Reagan cried about everything. Every. Single. Thing. And I am racking my brain for a reason. There has to be a reason. What has changed? What happened recently that would cause her to be in such a funk? What new development is taking place that is throwing her off track? Have I been overly harsh? Have I been overly demanding? Is she not getting enough sleep? I can’t come to a conclusion. I'm completely bewildered.

Scrub scrub scrub
This morning Reagan handed me a wad of her hair. She’d found a tangle and instead of coming to me for help, she ripped it out. Super. My hair is falling out because we have now reached that stage in my post partum adventure. She’s ripping hers out. I won’t need a curling iron if this continues. I'm at my wits end.

Scrub scrub scrub

This morning Madison was again awake before 5:00 AM. For at least a month she slept from 7:30 pm to 8:00 am. Now, for the past several weeks, she has been waking up at horrendously early hours. I’m at a loss as to why this is happening. I’ve tried different bedtimes with no success. It only feels like such a punishment because we were so spoiled earlier. I'm frustrated.

Scrub scrub scrub

This morning Reagan finished her breakfast at about 11:00. I can’t get her to eat a single thing in her chair at the table. I have moderate success if I let her wander around and graze. I hate letting her graze. I'm defeated.

Scrub scrub scrub

This morning I made Reagan sit on the potty when she got dressed for the day and it was pretty much the end of the world for her. Everyone tells me not to push it – that she will go when she is ready. And I get that. But everyone doesn’t KNOW my daughter. Reagan has to be forced into acceptance sometimes. If I hadn’t literally forced her to give up her pacifier, she’d still have one. If I hadn’t literally forced her to sleep in the big girl bed, she’d still be in her crib. If I hadn’t literally forced her to stop chewing on toys, she’d still use her teething rings. My little girl has a VERY strong will and there are times when I just cannot let her continue on. Times I have to teach her to STOP or to CHANGE. She hates change. Part of me does too. But mostly, I just hate the process. Which is why I’m having trouble getting her to sit in her booster seat at the table, go to the potty without a major tantrum, dress herself, pick up her toys, or drink out of a regular cup. I'm overwelmed.

Scrub scrub scrub
Scrub scrub scrub

I feel often like I can’t say that I had a bad day. Because I begged to stay home with my girls. Because I wanted to stay home more than anything else in the world. And no, I don’t want to get away from them or wish away my time with them. But neither do I want days where things disintegrate the way they have today. I'm afraid.

Scrub scrub scrub

Wednesday morning at Coffee Break, in a little get-to-know-you game, our leader asked us what we would do with our extra hour if there were 25 hours in that day. I had told her I would mop my floors. I think everyone else said they would do something fun – read a book, make a phone call, bake, take a nap. Not me. I wanted to mop floors.

It isn’t that I love mopping floors. But I have a deep need to fix things in my life. To have answers – to make things RIGHT. I needed to make ONE THING in my WHOLE DAY…RIGHT. Just one thing. Today, I needed to mop my floors. I needed to make that part of my life right.

There’s so much more I’d like to fix. I’d like to go back and redo so much of my morning. I’d like to be more committed and more focused on goals like having Reagan sit on the potty 2 times, or helping Madison sit up in the boppy. But today, it’s the floors.

And for today, scrubbing flours is my chance to scrub my soul. To pour it all out, slop it all around, cover every surface and empty each crevice of its dust. Today while the rain comes pouring down outside, I scrubbed my floors, took a bucket of dirty water and added it to the soaked ground.

I poured it out. I dumped it out. All the filth and grime. Where His rain will wash it all away. Yes, today I scrubbed it all clean. And I’m starting anew with fresh shiny floors… clean enough to see a Reflection.