Wednesday, April 08, 2009


My life is in quite a state of flux right now. Yes, there are the obvious reasons for this. But there are a few others you may not know about. My planner is filled with numbers - counting down the days till certain events take place. Let me tell you about a few of them.

That’s the number of worship services I have yet to lead. My last service is Easter Sunday morning. I do love leading worship, but I learned with Reagan that that is something I need to put aside for a few months when I have a baby. I really believe it takes a lot of prayerful preparation and focus to effectively lead worship. And I need a little time to adjust to life with a newborn before I am able to give services the level of attention and consideration they deserve. I look forward to the little break, but I also know how much I will miss it because it is really one of my deepest passions in life!

That’s the number of days I have left at my parttime job in the law firm. Which is not much. And it feels very strange to be packing up for good this time and not just preparing for a 10 week maternity leave. Its going to be very strange to walk away and leave it all behind - knowing I’m not coming back. I’ve been trying to tie up all the loose ends here and there, but even that seems like an impossible task. Because work here will continue to go on after I leave. And as much as I try to make the transition easier on everyone here, I know it will still leave them with a serious time of adjustment.

X < 40
I’m not going to tell you exactly how many days are left until my scheduled c-section, but they are dwindling quickly! It’s less than 40. And if I felt more “prepared”, I think that the number would scare me a little less. But there is so much left on my to-do list yet that I’m feeling each and every one of those days a little more heavily. Technically, lots of those to-do items do not HAVE to be done in order for me to have a baby. But there are several on there that are very important to me to accomplish yet. I’d feel pretty upset and unsettled were those things to go uncompleted. I’m making slow progress, and I suppose that should be enough. But it doesn’t feel like it is. So much of it is last-minute stuff and I think this tight feeling of uneasiness will hang with me for much of the remainder of my pregnancy. I’m not wishing for an early delivery this time around!

For now, this is the biggee! That’s the number of days until I say a long and hard goodbye to my brother and his wife (Tom and Angie). They are leaving to go overseas on a mission trip for about 2 years. And we will probably not see them during those two years. Its so hard to even imagine. All the plans and arrangements have been made - plane tickets purchased, passports readied, immunizations administered, last family dinners planned, and send-offs arranged. But it is impossible for me to wrap my mind around not seeing them for 2 years. Two years, in case you are wondering, is a long time. Two years is most of Reagan’s life. They will be gone before our baby is born and by the time we see them again, we will have a spunky toddler and a rambunctious preschooler on our hands. How things will change while they are gone! I know it will hit me more when there are empty places at family gatherings. And there will be many moments where we will keenly feel their absence. But we also know we are making a small sacrifice (though it may not always seem that way) to help them further the Kingdom. And while I am very sad and anxious to see them go, I’m also excited about the work they will do.

Anyway, those numbers are really taking over my thoughts. It seems so many things I do or attend are my “last” whatever before the baby is born. And I know life does not stop when my baby is born - but life certainly does change. Its all change I am trying to embrace and enjoy - even if it does scare me just a little. Anymore, appointments are made considering the schedule of two children - not just one.

I still have many days where I look at Reagan and cannot really believe she is here. I say that often, but it is true. And even now as I feel this baby move (and boy howdy do I feel this baby move...ouch!!!), I cannot really fathom meeting him or her. I’m excited for all these unknown experiences coming my way. And I’m praying that God continues to give me great peace as each day unfolds and brings me closer to change. Mostly, I just pray it brings me closer to Him.

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

Oh how I hear your heart on this post!! I feel like every day and every minute at this point is a countdown!! It's difficult to live that way, I'm trying to live life as "normally" as I can, but that's a constant struggle. I forgot about Tom and his wife being gone for 2 years, that makes me sad for you and for your parents, but I'm sure hearing how the Lord is using them will soften the blow :) Do you all have skype so you can talk and see each other?? That would help. Hang in there Jean! I'm praying for you right now...