Dear

Dear Doctor’s Office,

I am still waiting to hear from you. And I understand that it can take some time to get results back from blood tests. But I don’t like waiting. So please call me as soon as you know something. Fortunately for all of us, I am of the attitude that there really is no reason to panic until there is a reason to panic and have managed to just be irritated by the mere fact that I had to have a blood test. Irritation is far preferable to panic any day, in my book.

Awaiting your call,

Pensive MizJean

****************************

Dear Extended Family Member,

I realized late last night that the name I LOVED for a little girl has already been given to your dear child. To you I say two things: Ah phooey. And: You have marvelous taste.

Sincerely,

Disappointed MizJean

****************************

Dear Husband and People Who Comment on my Physical State,

I hear you say frequently that I am carrying “all out front”. To which I say, well, um, are you telling me the “other parts” are normally all this fat?? Yikes.

Sincerely,

Huge MizJean

****************************

Dear Marble Cake,

I love you. But I think you should move out of my house because this affair is all-consuming. Do the right thing for me, for us, and do not come back. You will always be deeply missed.

Sincerely,

Hungry MizJean

****************************

Dear Ironing Pile,

I don’t know when or why, but somewhere along the way I have learned to loathe you. You sit there in the corner of my bedroom on the back of the chair looking all innocent and clean. And after I have been able to ignore you for approximately 2 months, you decide to get all ugly and unruly. I find bits of you falling on the floor behind the chair or hanging haphazardly - achieving an even more wrinkled state. I am bidding you farewell in the very near future. Hopefully tonight. Enjoy your very limited remaining time.

Sincerely,

Determined MizJean

****************************

Dear Maternity Slacks,

I am 29 weeks pregnant, which means I have approximately 10 or so to go. Ten weeks is roughly 2 1/2 months. Do you realize that since I have already banned skirts you are my only remaining work-clothes option for the lower half of my body? If you recognize my deep dependence on you, why then have you decided you will no longer fit me? Honestly, what am I supposed to do about that now?

Sincerely,

Frustrated MizJean

****************************

Dear Beautiful Day Outside,

Thank you so much for the promise of spring. That little robin perched in the tree in the front yard brought me as much joy as it did Reagan this morning! Thank you for the sunshine and the warmth. Thank you for taking away the remaining icky piles of snow and gunk along the streets. I’ve missed you very much. I am looking forward to enjoying your sweet weather immediately after work!

Sincerely,

Grateful MizJean

****************************

Dear Hair,

What on earth is your problem? I’ll cut you. I will. I swear!

Sincerely,

Had-it MizJean

****************************

Dear Skin,

Seriously, I get the point. Enough is enough.

Sincerely,

Ugly MizJean