By all accounts, I live a pretty good life. I have a nice home. I live in a sweet little town. I belong to a wonderful church. I have a good job that challenges me but that I am also able to enjoy. I am the mother of one very adorable little girl. I have a good husband - a man of God. Great family. Extraordinary friends. Excellent health. Its all exactly as it should be. Sort of.
Here’s the part where I air my dirty laundry and my husband crawls under his desk in humiliation.
I have been struggling lately. I believe, I just don’t seem to care. When I pray I say things like, “I just don’t know what to say to you right now God. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t feel like talking to you.” It isn’t that I am angry with Him. I’m not. It isn’t that I’m frustrated with Him. I’m not. Its that so often my heart seems so full of nothing. Apathy.
I am not going to blame the state of my heart on any one thing in particular. But I will say that these past 2 1/2 years have been particularly trying. I am about to finish my time on worship team and Hubby is about to finish his time as a deacon. We have been, admittedly, way too busy. And its time. Time for me to stop. Time for me to sit down and reclaim my life. Or rather, its time for me to let my Heavenly Father reclaim my heart.
I won’t tell you, the world wide web, precisely what areas I'm struggling with...because, well, even though many of you reading love me and care about me, I don’t consider you all to be accountability partners. Those friends, those that I would call at 3 AM, will get all the details about what I am battling. And you should know they won’t let me off the hook. They’ll ask me about my struggles - often. I suspect we all have something like that in our life - a certain area that we struggle with. A certain sin that we have laid at the foot of the cross time and time again - only to pick it back up an hour later.
I don’t think any of you look at me and think I am perfect. I doubt very much that is why you read. I know most of you see me for the human being I am. And I also realize you don’t come to my blog to hear a sermon, but to read stories. There’s just no way to tell this story differently. I have no funny anecdote. No punch line. No lesson learned. There isn’t a time of my life I can pull of the file and write a big piece on just to let you know what I am going through. No. Not this time. This time, I’m just letting you jump right into my life - as it happens. I feel I need to do this - otherwise I’m just being dishonest. You need to know that Christ Jesus came into the world to die and save sinners, of whom, I am the worst.
I realize putting this out there seems really strange. Maybe I’m making you nervous, or scaring some of you off for good. So be it. But the reason I say all this is primarily because I know some of you will get on your knees and lift me up. You won’t ask questions like, “What on earth is wrong?!” because you know I would have told you if I wanted you to know. You won’t avoid me next time you see me, but you’ll look into my eyes and make conversation. You won’t be afraid of me for my honesty. I ask you to simply remember me when you pray. That you say my name and trust that God knows what’s happening.
And don’t be scared. I’m not suicidal or losing my mind. Nothing life-threatening is happening here. I’ll still write, I’ll still be singing, I’ll still be here. Honestly, I think this is a time for you to be joyful for me. Yeah, I’ve got a lot of work to do. I have a lot of junk in my life that I need to clean out. Its not going to be easy. But the good news is that its happening. That God grabbed me by the ankle this morning and said, “No. You’re not running away this time. Say it. Whatever you have to say. Just say it. I don’t care if it isn’t beautiful. But you and me, we’re going to spend some time together. It starts now.”
And as hard as it is, that’s a really good thing.