That spring she went on concert choir tour. It was a quiet time, strangely enough. Time for her head and her heart to clear out. Time for her to sit for hours on end, listening to God speaking to her. It was her chance to reconnect with Him. She began to understand that He had not been a priority in her life. She had pushed her own agendas and spoken words for Him. She hadn’t been listening. But He still was. The dialog began more in earnest. She knew what His answer would be when she asked the question. She knew what He was whispering to her. But still she closed her eyes and put it off. “Maybe He’ll fix it,” she hoped. Each phone call home to her intended became terrifying. She was afraid of what he would say. She was confused by what he was doing. She didn’t recognize his voice anymore. Nothing he did made her feel like he was fighting for her. He seemed to be giving up. Letting her go. Or was she pushing away.
“Do you know what you’re going to do?” B asked her one night as they walked through campus. “I think it will be okay. I’m just going to trust that God will make it okay. I need to have faith,” she answered. B was silent. She asked him what it was that he wanted to say but wouldn’t. He just shook his head. And every time she looked to him for encouragement, looked to him for the strength to push through and keep the promise, he would shake his head. He never told her she was wrong. He never told her it would be easy to make the decision. He would just shake his head, wordlessly. She would look away.
She was graduating that May. Her family made the trip to campus. B stopped by to chat and saw her family standing there. She introduced them and he shook their hands warmly. He made some small talk and then turned to her and said, “I’ll let you get back to your family. See you tomorrow.” Her fiancé came the next day to attend the graduation. She noticed when he got there late. She pretended not to care - just glad that he had arrived. She walked across the stage, received her diploma, graduated. College was done.
She said a lot of difficult goodbyes that day. She hugged people tightly and cried into their shoulders, knowing she wouldn’t see some of them again; afraid to let them go. They had been there when she found herself. She didn’t know what would happen to her life if they weren’t in it. She had grown. She was different. She had changed. Her friends knew her. But if they weren’t there, would anyone see who she was now? Or would they just expect her to be the way she had always been before?
She packed her boxes and drove them home. Home to a family that loved her. Home to a fiancé whom she intended to marry in a matter of a few months. She had the dress. She had ordered all the bridesmaid dresses. Deposits had been paid. Plans had been made. Things were decided. But when she closed her eyes she couldn't really picture the wedding. And somewhere deep inside her chest there was a tightness she couldn't shake.