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Friday, January 04, 2008

Resolute

In 2004, my New Year’s Resolution was to start a family. In 2005, my Resolution was to somehow come to terms with a process that was taking much longer than I expected. In 2006, my Resolution was to process the grief and sorrow I felt at having lost our first child to miscarriage. And of course a few short months later Reagan’s little heart would begin beating and in November I would meet an answer to our prayers. Of course, our answer came with no instruction booklet or informational video and I had more than my fair share of “what on earth do I do” moments when it came to caring for her. Those first several months while wonderful, were trying. So my Resolution for 2007 was so simple - live through this first year of my child’s life. Sounds stupid maybe. But so many times I just uttered the words “Lord, just let us survive this day”. Of course, things got much better as she got older and I got wiser (sounds impressive, doesn’t it). And I kept my Resolution - we are indeed still alive, some of us even kicking (and screaming).

Last year was yes, quite an amazing journey really. We watched Reagan roll over, smile, giggle, sit up, spit up, stand up, totter back and forth like a blade grass on a windy day, walk from point a to point b, and then sprint wildly away from us. She even learned how to sleep, a gift we all appreciated immensely and have not yet taken for granted.

Aside from the surviving my first year of Mommyhood, I managed to accomplish various other fetes. I started taking guitar lessons, even managed to learn a song or two, or five. I took a bread class and have loved the hands-on back-to-the-basics experience of making my own bread from SCRATCH. I continued to sing whenever anyone even mentioned the word “music”. I landed in the front row at a Jeremy Camp concert. I deepened friendships, I scrapbooked, I laughed, I witnessed weddings. All of it reflected in some manner on this blog, no doubt.

Some accomplishments were worth noting and others land in the category of “who really cares?”. Lots of good, and so many wonderful, things happened this past year. And yet, I leave 2007 behind with some amount of regret. There are also so many things I would have done differently. There are words I wish I had spoken. There are tears I wish I would have shed. There are chores I wish I would have set aside in favor of playtime. There are walks I wish I would have taken. There are moments I wish I would have offered. There are things I would change now, if I could go back.

And here we are - 2008 staring me in the face asking me “So, what do you want?”. I fidget and squirm and just don’t have a clue where to start. Except I do. I know just where to start. I actually even have a list (those of you who know my neurotic list-making habits are less than shocked, I know).

There is something strangely new and fresh about this year that I just haven’t been able to appreciate in the past several years. This year is so full of opportunities and promised adventures. And I have plenty of things in my life that I would like to work on; words, moments, playtimes, even tears.

Sometimes it doesn’t seem right, to reflect and say “no, that wasn’t good enough”. But I have to remind myself that its okay to be unsatisfied with yourself sometimes. I don’t think the Holy Spirit whispers only the words “you’re so awesome” into my heart, but often prompts me. Being content is not always a good thing. Sometimes we need to want something more to become the children God is calling us to be. And 2008 is asking me for something more than just survival. Its time to thrive.

3 comments:

Laura K. said...

Very insightful! and inspiring. :)

Anonymous said...

But I have to remind myself that its okay to be unsatisfied with yourself sometimes. I don’t think the Holy Spirit whispers only the words “you’re so awesome” into my heart, but often prompts me.

The Holy Spirt tells you that you are awesome?

Miz Jean said...

Do you mean to tell me that the Holy Spirit doesn't tell you that I am awesome? Really?

Perhaps I didn't mean this as literally as it sounds. The Holy Spirit convicts me of my sin, certainly. But it also uplifts me and reminds me that I am a child of God. That I am bought at a price. And that He loves me. Maybe that doesn't mean that I am awesome as much as it means I am deeply loved.

I'm not perfect, but I'm reaching toward loving myself on some level. After all, if I can't love me how can I expect others to love me.