Morton's

Years ago, Hubby and I went to Seattle to visit his Uncle and have ourselves a good old-fashioned vacation. I say “old-fashioned” because such a trip has not re-occurred and it is now most definitely worth of such an adjective.

While we were there, we went to the best restaurant on the planet. I know, because clearly, I have tried them all. World traveler that I am. Anyway...I have never found anyone to dispute my love for Morton’s Steakhouse.

I’m not typically a big fan of steakhouses. So many of them have annoying buffets. I get stage-fright every time I see a buffet. All that food. That enormous price tag. I can never eat as much as I pay. It annoys me. The selection is wonderful. The food glorious and varied. The atmosphere relaxed. But it just isn’t my thing. So when I heard “We’re going to Morton’s Steakhouse” tonight, I was unimpressed. I pictured a steakhouse, exposed wooden beams, wooden plank floor, cowboy motif.

We walked there, the three of us. You enter Morton's in Seattle and go immediately down stairs to get to the restaurant. The lighting was quite low and most of what I remember is that it was very dark - no windows. Nice music played. It was late and there were very few diners. Nicely dark-paneled walls. Perfect atmosphere.

Here’s the thing, Hubby and I don’t normally go out to eat at really expensive restaurants. I can count on one finger how many really expensive restaurants we have been to. So in all honesty, we behave like a bunch of uneducated hicks...cause we are...in the fine dining world. The hostess hands us a very impressive looking leather bound folder. Why on earth would I think this wasn’t the menu? Well, it wasn’t. It was the wine list. So I pretended to read it like I actually cared. After seeing the one bottle of veryimpressivegrapejuice listed for $3,000.00, I put the list down.

I kept expecting to see a ‘menu’. After all, the wine list was so impressive, wouldn’t the menu just look like a million bucks!? But one never came. Our waiter approached our table with an entire cart of food. And by food I mean meat, wrapped in cellophane, fresh off the cow. He parked the cart right next to my end of the table and began holding up various cuts of meat, describing them as though they were prized members of his family.

And then he held up this lobster. I watched as he carefully explained the freshness, the preparation, the flavor. I watched as the lobster waved its claw in the air. IT WAVED ITS CLAW? You mean, that isn’t a ‘floor model’? You mean to tell me if I order lobster, I order THAT specific lobster? That still very much alive lobster? Seriously! Unfortunately for me, the cart was placed immediately next to my chair, the lobster was placed back on his tray which was equally as unfortunately within one claw length of my sleeve. As inconspicuously as possible, I leaned into Hubby. He and his Uncle did their best not to laugh at me. How the waiter didn’t even smirk is completely beyond me. There had to be a back room where the entire restaurant staff sat around and laughed hysterically at that girl’s reaction to the live lobster. But seriously, I don’t understand the point of this exercise because it isn’t as if they paraded a live cow in front of us when we had to select our cut of meat. Why so with the lobster?

I did not order the lobster.

Instead I ordered a steak - best steak I have ever had in my life. It was a $45 dollar steak so it certainly SHOULD be the best steak I have ever had in my life. It was. I also ordered a $7 baked potato - which I did not have much room for post-steak-indulgence. The meal was simply unbelievable. I highly recommend Morton’s if your pocketbook needs lightening and your body doesn’t.