That about says it all, right? I am not feeling sunny or bright or warm. I don't fully know what is going on, though I suspect it has something to do with the minor illness we battled earlier this week. I never "caught" it - I am not "ill" - nothing is physically wrong with me. But I am exhausted and more and more I am reaching my breaking point with the girls. I hate it. But it happens. Sometimes, it happens pretty awful early in the day - when they haven't truly done a thing to earn my wrath or impatience. Lately confessing my sin of selfishness, unkindness and disrespect toward my children has been a daily, if not hourly occurrence.
It's AWFUL, isn't it? I hate even admitting it here. I guess I am doing so just to make sure this is an honest portrayal of what happens in our lives. Not every day is sunny and sweet and fun and wonderful. I fall far short of the wife and mother I long to be. I lose my patience and I lose my ability to see the world through their eyes. And things occasionally fall apart. Not in a horrible or scary way...just in the way that leaves me feeling at the end of the day like I really want a do-over. Oh how I have wanted and wanted a do-over.
I am feeling a little burned out these past few days. I don't know if its just one of those fabulous body-chemistry situations (good grief) or what...but I need a break. A break that probably isn't going to happen anytime soon. What does one do when they need a break that they will not be getting? It's the question I have been asking myself all day.
I love my children with a depth and an intensity that goes far beyond anything I really ever knew existed. And because I feel so strongly about them, I struggle when I have those "I need to get away" feelings - because that feels wrong. I love them so I am supposed to love every minute of being with them. For the most part, I do love being with them. But there's that 2% of the time that I just need to not be a caretaker.
Tonight I sorted pictures. And my eyes took in images my brain still struggles to understand. Reagan as a tiny newborn baby. Reagan growing older and older and older. Then Maddie as a baby, suddenly 6 months, then a year old. Did I really live all those days with them? Was I really there? Because it feels like I didn't. It feels sometimes like I am looking at a story of a sweet little family - not even realizing it's mine.
I heard somewhere once that our failings as a mother teach our children how to deal with disappointment in the world around them. Breaks your heart, doesn't it? I am not perfect. I don't claim to be and I don't aim to be. My kids don't really even realize this yet. Which is terrifying and reassuring all at the same time.
But tomorrow morning, I am going to get up and greet to blond little girls with a smile. I'll give them each a little kiss. And then I'll tell them I am sorry for not being very nice sometimes. After that, I'm going to do some shopping all by myself. That will be the extent of my break. And you know what, I'm kind of wondering if not taking a big break is the best medicine right now. Sometimes, the more me-time I get the more I want. God is teaching me patience and mercy. Running from the lesson is pretty counter-productive. This is my story and I would hate to look back and see how I missed out on any of it. Good or bad.