Friday, March 28, 2008

History...part 5 (final)

She sat on the couch when she got home and sighed. Moving in and out college was always exhausting to her. “You’re going to miss B, aren’t you?” her mom asked. “Yes. A lot.” She started crying. “Are you sure you are making the right decision?” her mom said quietly, pensively. “I don’t know. I thought I was. But I don’t know.” The conversation lasted for hours. And over the next several days so many more would take place. It was as it had been for so long. She knew the answer. She knew what she had to do. She knew what she had to say. But she didn’t know how she would ever be strong enough to say it.

She was unpacking one evening, the summer air still hot from the day. The sun was setting and the windows were open. Questions, so many questions filled her mind. A cool breeze blew in threw the window. So cool it made her stop and stand up. She felt the wind blow across her face as the last rays of sun shone in. And she could feel Him with her. She could sense His presence. She could almost hear His voice. He was still listening.

Days later she gave back the ring and broke a promise. She came in the house, tears running down her face, looked at her mom and said, “Its over.” And she wept. Every plan she had made for her life was somehow gone. It was all senseless now. There would be no wedding. A dream had died.

And strangely, at the same time, a dream had been reborn. She was starting over, from scratch, with nothing. Nothing but the hope that the God she was clinging to so tightly would not let her fall. She had chosen Him - chosen to listen to His voice, but it had never cost her so much. It hadn’t ever really cost her anything at all. But now it seemed to have cost her everything.

She called B. “I broke it off,” she said. He said nothing back, just took a deep breath. He knew he couldn’t say anything about how happy it made him. She was not happy. She was far from happy. She was hurt. And that meant at that moment his happiness didn’t matter - at least not yet. That weekend he drove the 5 long hours to see her. He watched her cry and wiped away tears. He knew what had to happen. She had to leave this place - this place she had called home and this place that held everything she had really ever known. She had to go and start over with a clean slate. She had to reinvent herself and find a new way. If she stayed, it would be too much. She’d fall back into old habits, old ways, old friendships. And she’d be too far from him for him to do anything about it.

A few weeks later she packed the few worldly possessions she had into her car and into his. Boxes of college books that were now useless, but too expensive to just throw away. Boxes of school supplies she really didn’t need anymore. Boxes of clothes that were too casual for the new job she was starting. Boxes of kitchen essentials her mom had set aside for her. Boxes that held a strange combination of what used to be and what would be all at once. She drove the many miles to her new home - one hundreds of miles away from her family. But one closer to him.

Truth be told, living alone was one of the hardest things she had ever done, but it was so good for her. After a life that had been spent trying to learn to live with others, she spent the next year learning how to live with herself. And also learning who she was to Him - who she was meant to be. B spent most of his freetime at her apartment. He would be studying, she would be watching t.v. But they were together. In November, he knocked on her door, walked in carrying a single rose, got down on one knee and asked her a question...one he already knew the answer to. She said yes and this time she kept her promise.

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

What a picture of grace and God's provision for you through a deep season of pain. Love the ending!! You should save these stories Jean and keep them for Reagan to read someday...they are beautifully written from your heart and something every daughter would cherish. Loved it!!